Now and Then (poetry)

I feel impatient in this phase of life, as if waiting for nothing. All the space between now and then seems vast, a black hole that color can’t even seem to blast. My mind writes in simple rhymes, ignoring recklessness, trying desperately to pass the time, not even willing to conjure up some brilliant phrase of made up intelligence.

I move in fast forward through these hours and minutes, filling the in between with urgency and anxiety, simply clinging to any piece of insanity, still silently waiting.

Making myself so miserable today, because I just want tomorrow. I just want the end of the year, I can’t wait until it’s five years from now. I can’t wait until everything is hunky-dory, when I can tell a different story.

I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’ll say. Stop moving so fast, and enjoy this day, this moment right here, just stay. Move too fast and you will miss it, just trying to stay in it. That lane where you were supposed to turn, your eyes were closed, you didn’t learn. Another moment ruined.

And I hear you.

I’m trying not to move so fast, you see, but this isn’t where I thought I would be. A wrong turn, a missed dream, distractions seem eminent. Confusion sets in, and now I wonder, what is really relevant?

Then someone said, our whole life is simple poetry… I wish you could see that.

I suddenly realize, that maybe I’m stuck.

Placed myself somewhere in between all the bad decisions made from heart ache and longing, that I’m dodging, neglecting the now, too busy waiting for then. Then, I’ll be great, then, I’ll be happy, then, I’ll have more money, then, someone will love me, then, I will be free.

In this misguided, unoccupied space, between now and then, the blackness in which the journey has yet to be sighted, maybe I am actually free. Free to be me, to be the me I’ve always longed to be, to see, to be a rooted tree. Able to build a foundation where the blackness can fade, and dreams can be made. Stop simply daydreaming, and start doing. Create the opportunities in which colors are prominent, and determination, is deviant. Reach for something that is beyond temporary expedient.

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