“I was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet…. hello? Can you hear me….” Ooops, sorry, got distracted…
Ok. I have been holding back.
Reigning all the potential in because I’ve been stuck in fear. In terror actually. I have been living most of my days terrified. The what if’s becoming a beacon, highlighting the jagged rocks. It’s way to scary out there.
So I am attempting to stand up and stare at least some of the fear right in the face and do something that I have been craving to do, but have been too scared to, too terrified to expose my scars. I am attempting to do an almost daily blog. Writing about anything and everything.
I’ve attempted this many times, as you can see by the spiritic dates of the past entry posts, but I get self conscience and consequently stop posting. But maybe I have something now that I didn’t back then. Determination. Or possibly the constant return to this, despite all the self doubt and restraint that I put myself through, my brain cannot let go of the fact that I just want to write, and what I write about and share with the world, is actually (somewhat) (maybe) (hopefully) interesting.
The world is tough right now. People are not surviving. So if I could lift up just one second of your day, I am going to try to do so.
So in a round about way, I guess that I am saying, I want to inspire you by telling my story, writing my truth, and, well, rant and rave about a few things. Just so you can get to know me, the face behind all the weird sentences around here, and all the random art, but also so I can get to know me. Life has been a whirlwind, it has been a never ending rollercoaster and I completely lost who I am.
And I really just want to have some effen fun in my 40’s!!
For my own sake, I really hope this lasts. I’m not good at building relationships, I’ve been isolated, in a very real sense, for a long time now. I’m not good at asking for help (motherfuckin’ badass independent woman right here, I can do it myself, thank you very much, and I can do it better then you), and I have trouble telling you what I really think, but, I’m fairly decent at writing about it. Words are easier to choose if you have a no pressure second to think about them.
I’m not quite sure what will pop out, sometimes, I think my fingers on the keyboard get a mind of their own and take over the mission, so I can’t promise anything. But, it will be my truth.
Maybe I’ll slide back to the original idea and end up being boring and just write all about all the running, or be an influencer wanna be posting food porn, and I certainly hope nothing comes up about this guy I’m crushing on…. (and what if he actually reads it!! Soooooo embarrassing!)
Either way, here it is. A buckets of coffee blog. Because… the daily need is buckets of coffee…. speaking of… I need to go make some….. brb