Well hi again! If you’re reading this, thank you. It’s sort of been a forever dream to actually have some sort of audience to write to. Like a love letter maybe, an old fashioned written letter that comes in the mail! Now that’s romantic. Anyway, getting off topic…
I have had some sort of blog for as long as I can remember. It never has any follow through, however, because like I mentioned in the last post, I get self conscience and just drop it. Let it go, try and ignore the nagging in the back area of my brain where I shoved the desire to actually sit down and write. I mean, what if someone reads these, gets to know me a little, and gulp – has a very strong opinion of me, or worse, doesn’t like me anymore. Because what you think of me is important, you know? I have this strong desire to be liked, this annoying and disruptive at times desire to people please. I’m agreeable, accommodating, compliant (really, the perfect employee…). And really, most days I think my life is very uninteresting.
I had a chance to have a real live, in person (rare, I know), conversation with this fantastic human. In hindsight, we really didn’t have a true conversation, I simply agreed to everything that was said. Feared stating my own thoughts and feelings about the subject matter terrified the conversation would get dull, and this fantastic human would think I’m boring, and never have another conversation with me again, ever. But you know what is boring? Someone who doesn’t challenge you.
So the conflict between this deep desire to write about what has happened in my life, and the struggle with the concept of actually putting it out there has been momentarily brought to peace with the conclusion, I’m just going to write, and see what happens. To inspire you, to challenge me.
So, ready for a blanket back story? Tell me your big life altering experiences in the last 10 years in under 100 words kind of quickie? Ok, here it is:
In 2011, had the wedding of my dreams (sweet guy!), followed by 6 months of sweet honeymoon phase bliss, followed by 5 miscarriages in 2 years. Followed by a very very sad human, unable to function in her nicely built world. So, because of the mess that I was, got involved with a nasty, abusive guy cuz, well, life sucked anyway. Stayed 5 years in that crap. Then, the next 5 years or so I spent digging myself out of the hell hole I put myself in, single and celibate, clawing my way out of survival mode. Which brings us to today (ish).
This might be kind of dark, but have you ever watched Supernatural? Remember that scene in season 4, episode 1 where Dean gets pulled from hell and digs his way to the surface, and has no idea where he is or what is happening? Ya, that’s the moment I’m in. Woo hoo! Sunlight! Fudge. Now what. (“Alexa, how do I make friends?”) I’m gunna need some coffee for this…. brb