Good bye 2018!

Merry Christmas!!!

Well guys, I’m in my last week here in Tofino.

Let’s hope I can get off the island. Today is a beautiful day, so I think there’s hope.

It’s been storming like crazy.

It’s totally epic and totally scary.

Mother Nature has the final word.

Power went out on Thursday morning, and we finally got it back on Saturday around 5pm. I think parts of the island are still in the dark, so I feel extremely grateful! Phew. Felt like camping. Thankfully I had a dry place to sleep and not in a flimsy tent in these winds.

The ocean has been amazing. Really showing off these past couple of weeks. King tides and all.

Most days this year, time felt like it just dragged on, but as I’m packing up and heading out, I wonder where all the time has gone.

I honestly don’t know what to say about this last year, the past, or even my life. All I can say I guess is that’s it’s been a whirlwind, go figure. I am a completely different person now then I was when I first stepped foot on this resort. I learnt a lot about myself.

Besides the working hours, I spent most of my free time alone. Sometimes too consumed with fear to utter a word, and sometimes lost in the unbearable loneliness. But lately, I find myself celebrating the second I can break away. From the people, and the chaos. I finally found some freedom of being alone, and some absolute peace. I find I’m not quite as hard on myself, and can mostly manage to laugh and shake my head at most mistakes. I’ve always been so scared to be alone, still am a little I guess. But the quietness between thoughts is now inviting, and no longer feel the need to fill the gaping silence.

Finally the end of 2018. Feels like I’m closing a book on my life. These chapters are done, time for a new book.

The last 18 months have been about healing. Totally focused on me. Tears of desperation would fall down my face as I continually air punched all the ghosts that appeared. Even during some work hours, my eyes would be puffy because a battle could not wait.

But I never backed down. If I fell, I got back up. I continued standing, even if my legs were weak. I continued punching, even if my arms got tired.

It’s been a little tough, but as each hour passed, each weight on my shoulders seemed to lift. Slowly, the shadows in my mind were illuminated with light. I faced each wall with bravery and perseverance, broke it down, or simply stepped over on approach when I realized it wasn’t that great in the first place.

The beginning of December came, and I noticed I was no longer wishing for a time machine. That I didn’t want to change any decision, or any event that has happened. Because of everything I went through, I am the person I am today. Stronger, more focused, healthier ( for the most part), and absolutely in love with me. I managed to fix all the broken parts. I let myself wallow, I let myself grieve. I screamed when I needed to, and let the tears fall. Then I put all the pieces back together… a little bit differently this time.

So here’s to the end of 2018. Here’s to the final few pages of an epic book filled with adventure, danger, love, hate, and all the ups and downs.

Thank you for being here with me! For reading all the words, the failures and triumphs.

Cheers to 2019! A year that will be filled with adventure, following dreams, and making wishes come true.

-Deej

Goodbye August, Hello September!

Well, that’s it folks. Summer, is over. School pictures are showing up on Facebook, the resort is quiet, hours are lessening, and the rain is here.

Thank goodness. I barely made it through August. Good bye stage 2 water restrictions, hello long hot showers.

The downside might be less money, but the upside? Definitely more play time, (like running, and reading, drawing, surfing, exploring, and my favourite activity…. sleeping), and more play time, means more stories to tell.

I’ve been trying to post more often, but lately, my mind is numb. All the brilliant thoughts and sentences seemed to have disappeared from my mind. I don’t know about you, but only having work to talk about, often lacks the inspiration of solid word combos. This is why many, many posts are all about the deep blue sea. It’s always there, no matter what time I finally get out, and always ready to say hello and swallow you whole. I don’t know where my mind would be without it. It keeps reminding me, that the whole day was worth it. And if I failed, I can always do better tomorrow.

“All work and no play, makes jack a dull boy.” That was my summer.

At least I can say, I let go of summer with at least a little pizazz.

The last few days I’ve had the time to draw, write, and get some much needed ZZ’s. I also got some last hot sunny days for the beach. It was glorious. Lying on a towel draped over the hot sand, eyes closed, my hands and feet digging in the soft pebbles beside me, and the sun frying my skin. The ocean filling my ears with its constant roar, a dog barking in the distant, a child’s laugh… it was perfect.

So here’s to September. A new season to bring new things. Changes are coming my friends. It’s going to be a whole new site.

I love words. I love the rhythm of them, creating quotes, and melodies. I really believe words can make or break you. I, wanna make it. Almost everyday words will flow through my finger tips and end up on paper with ink, and I really desire sharing it all with you. Of course, the magic theme of most things in my life, fear, still has a hold. So here’s the plan. I’m letting go of the past, yes, it’s an ongoing, never ending process, and creating something new. I’m saying goodbye to “Freelance Deej”, and hello to a lifestyle kind of blog. Although, still keeping the online name as Deej, I’m giving this thing a whole new feel. Maybe you’ll love it, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll read more of what my mind says, or maybe you’ll forget I ever existed. That’s ok, it’s mostly for me anyway. Putting words down gets them out of my head, leaving room for new thoughts, better actions, and organization.

The blog will be down for a bit, here and there, as I play around with themes. I assure you though, it’s going to be epic.

So, bear with me as I play, and create a slightly new persona.

Through it all, I’m gunna keep posting a bit of simple solo chatter. Drifting thoughts and random words strung together, documenting the endless strain of solo conversation.

And I just gotta say, THANK YOU for reading my words!!

~Deej

Magic moments

This last week has been a definite challenge. My body too tired to stand upright, creating havoc, and forcing sleep. I don’t know what I would do without my bunny hugs and blankets. (Universe, are you sure there is no handsome hunk you could drum up to bring me chicken noodle soup and a hot cup of tea? And is it too much to ask for some hugs and cuddles?? Sigh.)

It’s 9:30pm, and I decide, even tho my head still aches, that it’s too early to crawl back into bed, so I head down to the beach for a smoke. Today, I took myself to the far side, and stand in front of long beach lodge, just before the resort front fire lights fade into the darkness of the beach beyond.

I do a very slow 360 to take in my surroundings. Staring at the the ocean, I jump slightly in surprise when two shadows glide in front of me. Then a voice. Oh, there’s a couple walking along the tide line. They continue walking and disappear from my sight like ghosts, and I am left alone. I turn slightly to see the light house, marvelling at how the light bounces off the clouds, sometimes making it look like lightning all across the sky. I glance back, oh, maybe that’s just flashlights. There is a fire glowing from the beach, right in front of the resort. My homeward beacon, the direction I have to go to get back. The lights from resort windows, gleam faintly in the distance behind, carved in artists lines against the darkness.

I continue turning and look up to the balcony of the third flour of the building behind me, the tallest building. I see a man, leaning effortless along the railing edge. I wonder if he can see me, and how detailed. Like can he see which direction I’m facing? Or that I’m looking at him, the fact that I’ve acknowledged him. Hm. I muse, but continue to turn. It’s dark to my right, the lights from the resort fade into the night and no houselights or mini beach fires take up the space. I sense a deep love for the solitude from it, but can’t bring myself to walk towards it. I face the ocean once again. The strength it exudes every single second, day after day, leaves me breathless. I glance behind me at the balcony, and see nobody. Maybe it was my imagination, craving a man so bad they appear everywhere, but are not really there.

I can no longer stand, so I sit on the wet, sandy, cold ocean floor. My butt is starting to get numb, but the sea air is so clean.

Magic moments. I take this one, and bask it’s warmth as long as I can.

Then, suddenly, I just want to be at home. I pick myself up, wobbling a bit from the tobacco and weed, and head towards the fire beacon, marking my way home. I have the next two days off, and sleep, is in order.

-Deej

Sick

Well, the hours finally caught up with me, and my body, has had enough.

Despite the chills, sneezing, and whole body aches, I still managed to make it down to the beach tonight for a quick bask in the ocean mist. The air is crisp, and I cringe every time the cold air hits my exposed hands and neck. Maybe I should have stayed home. But I have been sleeping and sleeping, and my body still crawls.

I really have to thanks the peeps at the resort for seeing my pain and letting me go home early, and to the amazing friends at the grill for covering my shifts the past two nights. Love you all!!

Tonight, I see a few stars dotting the darkening sky… the air and the birds are quiet as the ocean makes its usual roar. I feel such bliss when I’m down here. I wish you could feel it. The solitude, the misty air that gets into your lungs and cleans your soul. It’s almost like the world stops, and nothing else matters, but the single sound of the ocean drowning out the voices.

I keep hoping sleep will cure me, that I’ll wake up from a 12 hour nap and be miraculously ok. That drinking garlic and camomile tea will wash away the roughness of my throat, but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s been two full days of absolute discomfort. Standing upright is difficult. My body counts the hours recently worked, and says,” ha, ya right. I need a few more days of sleep to catch up.” My mind keeps whispering, “wimp”.

I did try to battle, but my body won. Guess I’ll be spending my day off tomorrow in bed, sleeping, moaning, tossing and turning, as I try and drum up something magical to make myself feel better. Maybe amongst it all, I’ll find the energy to jump into the ocean, and let its salty waters wash my skin… (underneath a wet suit anyway). I’ve got 12 hours on the schedule Saturday… going to try to be there for all of it.

-Deej

Work, work, work.

So exhausted from the hours, but I couldn’t resist a midnight walk to the ocean.

Sitting here, watching the night sky, soaking in the roar of the power of the ocean, and destroying my lungs with smoke, I reflect on my day.

So, so many people. Boredom, stress, laughter, uncertainty, and perhaps a little bit of love, all in one day. The combination of worn out shoes and my hair smelling like a grease pit has me internally cringing. I wonder just what it smells like to the public? Agh.

My bank account, however, is finally breathing a sigh of relief, and the creditors have laid down their pitch forks. Most of us are happy.

What a great time to have dreads, standing over a deep fryer for 20 hours of the week. Better not let my lighter get too close to my hair…

So what, you are asking, is it exactly I do? Well, by day I am a housekeeper/room checker/supervisor/laundry attendant, and by night I am a fast paced line cook/cashier/dishwasher at a fish fry grill.

It’s ridiculous, really, for an average of 12 hours a day, I am taking orders, and executing a response time like a badass.

I sleep really well at night.

I am so exhausted in the daylight.

-Deej

Ocean moments

I am sitting in the rocks, high above sea level in the chilly air. The sun is slowly falling behind the waters edge as the waves stretch towards the beach. I have an ear bud in one ear, listening to Thunder, by Imagine Dragons, the other is listening to the ocean’s song. I go back and forth between drawing, writing, and watching the surfers catch the biggest waves. This, right here, is the perfect moment. I don’t think it could get much better… wait. Coffee. No, a handsome man bringing me a hot steaming cup of coffee… that would be the only thing that would top it up. Hey Universe… think you could help me out with that one? 😉

<<<<<<
s been 75% awesome, and 25% super shitty. Ah the ups and downs of life. So here's a little vented insight as to the shitty part…

I have finally accepted the mistake, and am trying to fix it, but Revenue Canada is making it super difficult. A couple of years ago, I made a lot of money, and didn't pay my taxes. Yes, I know, my bad. I am eager to pay it off now, and working my butt off to do it, but someone on that end, probably sipping a $6 latte, and a gourmet bagel, decided that it would be necessary… (fun?) to block my bank account, and take all my money. Leaving me with nothing. Not a cent. Despite talking to her, and organizing a payment plan, she is still holding my account. Going on 4 weeks with zero money. I am living on oatmeal, bread and rice… and my body is starting to protest. I am at a loss. I've yelled, I've asked nicely, I've accepted this as my consequence, and everything in between. But i am getting weaker by the minute, and this doesn't make sense to me at all. She is denying me my basic human right to live, and yet, still expecting me to work. How can I work if I can't eat? If I can't have the basic right, how the hell am I supposed to get out of bed everyday?

The answer is, I have no fucking clue. Yet somehow, I'm doing it. Smiling like I have no care in the world, hiding my hunger pains with loud music, drying my tears so they don't show, and forcing a bounce in my step. Today tho, I don't want to get out of my bed. I don't want to be happy… I want to eat.

<<<<<<
, the good and the bad. Welcome to mine.

~Deej

It’s the small moments in life

As you know, I have made this habit to take a walk to the beach in the evening. No matter the weather, and it doesn’t matter what time. Every night, I experience something different. Sometimes I catch the sunset, sometimes it’s raining, and usually it’s cold.

Tonight, I almost didn’t go. I had a long day, topped off with a mile and half quick run on the beach at sunset. I am tired, and just want to lie down. But, I couldn’t miss the opportunity. I couldn’t miss the moment.

The moment, where you find yourself speed walking down the beach towards the ocean, chasing what’s left of the sunset.

The moment, where you find yourself standing right next to the ocean. Everything else is quiet as the ocean sings its song. There are no clouds in the sky, so the darkness is splattered with bright shining stars. My body is humming from my short jog, and my fingers are cold. I am finally all alone with the ocean. There is water starting to seep into my shoes as my feet slowly sink into the sand, and by now, my fingers are numb. But my soul is singing, to the beat of the ocean. As I watched the wave slowly creep towards my toes, I replayed my day. I did the best I could today. I’m proud of the work I did. I was kind today, and friendly. I made a few people smile today. If I look behind me, I can see the entire resort, with random windows gleaming in the night. Shadows of guests appear now and then, enjoying the comfort of a room that i likely cleaned. I changed the sheets, did the dishes, and scrubbed the floors. I worked fast at erasing the past fingerprints, so you could make your mark. Tomorrow, as you head back to your life, I’ll erase yours.

I couldn’t miss this moment of serenity. The solitude, and the quiet. To take a breath, and be grateful. It’s the best part of my day.

~Deej

Happy Valentines Day!

Today, was a good day. The sun was shining, talked to some happy guests, and someone even told me I looked great. After work, I walked on the beach for over an hour, watching the sun dip down behind the ridge, dancing to a happy beat while the ocean roared. Happy love day.

Tonight, I couldn’t resist another short walk down to the ocean. It’s cold, my fingers are numb as my thumbs try and type the right letters. But I couldn’t resist spending my minutes listening to the ocean waves, and catching a glimpse of a falling star.

Perfect Valentine’s Day.

I hope, whatever your day looked like, it was full of love.

I know mine was.

~Deej