“Living the dream”

Hi.
How are you?
Are you enjoying the fall weather? I hope so.
Are you living your dream? I hope so.

I mean, I am. Ever since I could walk, I’d grab the broom and sweep the floor. “Ma?” I’d say, “I going to be a janito!”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good job. Scrubbing strangers poop particle stains off the porcelain, sweeping up some scattered crumbs off the floor from what looks like a sugar donut, dancing down the aisles cuz I’m bored, and probably singing too loud, while dumping garbage’s and shining desks. Sounds glamorous doesn’t it?

Ok, so probably not the dream. But, my bank account is happy. Ish.

I’m in the rebuilding stage in my life, and for the most part, these self discovery moments are enlightening. I figured out the top of my head has got to be lopsided… every time I put my hair up, it tends to slide down to one side. Every. Single. Time.



I’m finding sleeping alone is actually awesome. I get to spread out on the single mattress without kicking someone, and hog all the blankets and no one complains.

If the morning smoothy is lumpy, or I happen to burn supper cuz I was distracted, there’s no other stomach beside me yelling it’s hungry… I just redo it, or walk to the closest dairy queen to settle my own. I can pee with the door open, and don’t have to shave my legs for weeks! Yup, single life is awesome.

I decided what I want to be when I grow up. I’m going to be a free spirit. A wild horse running through the trees, and no one will be able to tame me. That way, life will always be awesome, and if I get too bored, I can just run away. I spend most of my time alone anyway. I find the characters in my head are a lot nicer then most of the ones I meet on the street. The ones in my head might say stupid things, but if I don’t believe them, or they’re being ignorant, I can just put them in the corner and not talk to them for a while and they don’t get offended. Ok, they do, but there’s a silent button I can turn on, like muting the TV, I can stay entertained without all the noise.

Although, through all the great days, I have some days when the loneliness hits me like a freight train, and I can’t seem to uncurl myself from my bed. That all this cleaning is somewhat soul draining and I find myself sighing for the “one day” wishes. But I’m getting there. This mound of debt is slowly being chipped away, my heart is stronger, and my mind… well, my mind is still crazy, not sure anything is going to change that.

I guess the point of all this is to tell you… and remind myself, keep going. Keep plugging away reaching for the goal, and if you’re not yet living your dream, keep focusing on the goal. If you persevere, I promise you’ll get there. If you’re already living your dream, well, good for you. “One day”, I’ll definitely be living mine. One step at a time. Even if it takes a while, I’m not about to give up.

Happy Thanksgiving ya’ll!!

– Deej

POWERFUL

I am a writer, I said today.

Or maybe it’s what I want to be.

Trying to keep time by writing the lines, but, I realized, I lost some today.

Autopilot kicked up. Took over. The pilot, went to sleep. Lost moments, like, where did I put my keys? This is what the mundane does. Doing the same thing every day, acts like melatonin. My eyes droop and shit, I missed the month of May! Please hand me some serotonin, I want to be able to play.

Where do these thoughts go? What do I write? These moments, these days, the seconds all feel the same.

I get up, drink too much coffee, smoke too many cigarettes, eat eggs, drink more coffee, have some toast, fit in a run, eat a muffin and a protein bar, go to work, drink some artificial, I mean green tea caffeine, eat some cereal, smoke too many cigarettes, go to sleep.

Repeat.

Then repeat.

Then repeat.

It’s crazy the amount of things that you need to try and fit into a 12, if your lucky, 16 if you’re not, hour day.

But I am a writer, I guess I said today, so some moments are taken a little lighter.

I write a lot about being single, cuz, well, I’m single. Going on three years now, so the punch is starting to get a little tough. I’m currently having a love hate relationship with myself. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes hate keeps me up all night. But love, love keeps me sleeping so tight. I am slowly falling deeply in love with myself, and being comfortable in my own skin. Even though hate sometimes does win.

The best part about being single? I get to do whatever I want.

I am a writer, I realized today. Today, is full of discovery, and every moment must be seized. Even in the mundane. Tomorrow is bright. Tomorrow is full of light. So here is my message. A message for you, and a reminder to me.

Don’t give up. Wherever you are, however you feel. Whatever the moments are, cuz most moments, you can steal.

Don’t give up. Because you alone, are enough. You, you, are POWERFUL. You are amazing. Don’t let the negative sway. Don’t snuff out the light.

This autopilot and mundane will not be forever. A simple moment in time, to get where I wanna be.

Remember your goal, and work. Harder then you’ve worked before. Write it on the wall, tattoo it in your hand. Your goal. Your life. Your ideal. I believe in you. One foot in front of the other. Keep going, until you reach the goal.

I am a writer. I said today. I guess it’s what I want to be.

– Deej

I don’t want to be angry anymore. 

Yesterday, I started to write about the remaining small amount of anger I was holding onto. But as this small red dot danced around my brain, I just couldn’t find the right words. It bounced between images of two people in this past year. As I focused on how much I hated them, and what they did to me, I noticed out the corner of my eye, the red dot glowing brighter. Gaining momentum and speed, it now raced between the images.

I noticed how my heart tried to keep up, pumping more blood to the negativity that was suddenly consuming all the space.

I suddenly let go of the reigns, stepped back and simply watched the show.

The dreams in the background were fading, the healthy words were being clouded by black. Twisting them to create havoc, instead of love.

I was in awe at how fast the hatred took over. Pulling jealousy, disdain, and mistrust in like it was nothing.

So I had to ask, ” is this what I wanted to watch?” I felt like I was watching Saw – The final chapter. Seriously? Where are all the colors in this world? I’m an artist, there is very little inspiration with a pallet of only red and black.

So settle in, I’m changing it to The Notebook.

And no, I don’t care what you think. Instead of stabbing you, I’m going to kiss you.

I’m going to forgive you.

I’m firing them all. Jealousy, fear, anger, and disdain…. all of them. Your job is done is here.

As I let go, I watched the black fade into light. I felt like I was dreaming. There were so many people! I couldn’t see them before because it was so dark. It didn’t matter where in the world I looked, I was always surrounded. Hugs, kisses, respect…. and love.

:Ladies:

I wish there were enough words to tell you how beautiful you are.

I wish my energy, calm and loving, would reach through these words and penetrate your soul.

I wish you would believe me when I tell you – YOU are enough.

I want to tell you earnestly to let go. Let go of the anger, the resentment. Let go of the pain. It truly isn’t worth it.

I want to tell you to take a moment to love. Love yourself. Look in the mirror and say this, “you-are so awesome. So beautiful!” And believe yourself!

Don’t hate the scars, they boldly tell all the battles you’ve survived.

Don’t hate the fat, or the bones, or the hair, or the toes. Defy society. There is no model. You are you. Ten toes, five finger, one kidney, no spleen! Whatever. It’s yours. Own it.

The government can take your house.

The ex can take your stuff.

But NO ONE can take away the love for yourself. Your love doesn’t depend on anyone.

So when I tell you – you are beautiful! Will you believe me? Will you look in the mirror tonight, discard everyone else’s thoughts and opinions, and smile.

Because,

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
– Deej

Universe… send me Superman! 😉

Sometimes, in a moment of despair, I wonder if it’s ever going to get better. I wonder if it’ll ever be different. Although these moments are welcomed, so I can work through the underlying issue, but they seem to last forever.

But here’s what I keep reading, and really, the reality check. No one but me, can save me.

I know I have lots of people around the world that love me. I have many people I could call, text, write and they would love to hear from me. At any time I could lay my burdens on their shoulders. I know I am never truly alone in the world.

But at the end of the day, when I close my eyes to sleep, I am alone with my mind.

It’s like doing a thru hike alone. A daunting task even for the experienced. ((Walking Vancouver Island!)). Alone on the trail, you are the only one making the daily decisions. Friends have taught you important details, family is encouraging you, waiting by the phone excited for every call. But at the end of the day, you have to decide where to put your tent so the bears won’t make you their midnight meal.

I am the only one who will ever know every true intention, every true emotion, and every true thought. It’s my responsibility to measure out my actions. To decide what I believe, decide what’s right, and what’s wrong.

As I am writing this, I quickly checked Facebook ( yes, totally distracted!), but the first thing I read was this,
“No one is going to love you exactly like you imagined. No one is ever going to read your mind and take every star out of the sky and hand it to you. No one is going to show up at your door on a horse with a shoe you lost. Do you understand? That’s why you have to love yourself enough, so that any other just adds more candles on the cake you’ve already iced.” Stephanie Bennet-Henry

No, I don’t want anyone to “save” me, to save my soul. I want to be my own superhero in my story.

However, I wouldn’t say no…..
if a set of muscles suddenly appeared. Slowly removing his glasses, and unbuttoning his suit to reveal, that he is Superman. And whisks me off my feet into the starry night…….
-Deej

Take it easy. Just breath a little! 

It’s funny how easily it seems that guilt slides into the picture.
I haven’t seen anyone in at least 6 days. My only company has been two roosters who squawk all the time. Four hens who chatter all day long, a dog that whines if he can see me, but can’t reach me, and, well, me.
And by the way – I am great company.
I have worked so hard physically, and mentally this week… that puzzle is starting to take shape. I am feeling fantastic. No, not every day these last six days has been a cake walk, it’s been a little tough. Definitely some tears have been shed, and a voice – like, only once, that could probably be heard a couple of farms away. However daunting, it is all necessary. It’s just me, travelling through some overgrown weeds on the land…. and in my mind.
The guilt wants some time when I’m sitting. I often meditate, or just simply sit. Have you ever just sat there? Let your mind wander, or not. Maybe the birds are singing, maybe it’s quiet. I find myself doing this for hours out here. I’ll get lost in the peace, and not know where time went. It’s been a long time since the last time I had time to do this. I’ve always been so busy… I feel like I shouldn’t be able to do this. I have tons of responsibility on the farm… but it doesn’t feel like work. It feels like I’m camping, and they have a fabulous salted pool and work out facility! I finally have a chance to just breath. To just take a moment. Life is always so busy, and I’ve created an opportunity for myself, so I could get the time to heal. I won’t feel guilty for that.
A couple of people recommended that I see a therapist. Although I do think there is a time and place… this time, I know exactly what I needed to get through this.
Some damn peace and quiet.
So guilt, I know your lingering, trying to sneak in… but I’ve worked hard for this. I sacrificed a lot just to make it here. I am still working hard for this.
Go ahead and try, you won’t get past my glittery rainbow wall.
– Deej

Critic! 

I really am my own worse critic. Possibly my own worst enemy. I just tried to lay down, close my eyes and drift off into a blissful sleep, when my mind decides to play back my day. Then my eyes flew open, and my stomach got all knotted up. I started feeling anxious and caught myself biting my fingernails.

“Why did I say that?! OMG I am the worst person ever! I am so embarrassed!”

One sentence that I say can cause hours of worry. Wondering how the person took it, and what they will think of me! Maybe they’ll like me a little less. The negative thoughts go on and on.
Our minds are so complex. A habit.. even a bad habit, our brain thinks that’s home. A place so comfortable, it builds a home, and takes nap.
Well mind, it’s time to destroy your comfort home. I just wasted some good sleep time on worry. Enough. Besides, they probably didn’t even notice…
-Deej