Happy New Year Ya’ll!

Phew.

January was quite the month huh? I don’t know about you, but I was one busy bee.

I moved to Kamloops, went to Saskatatchewan for two weeks for a late Christmas, came back to Kamloops, went to a couple of interviews, started a new job, started running lots, and hitting the gym with my sister, and moved from one apartment to another.

Happy New Year ya’ll.

(And yes, my fingers are extremely cold because it’s -20 here and I am outside. Have I mentioned that I miss Tofino yet? Although, I guess it’s cold there too right now).

I am finally settled and back into “routine”.

My new bedroom is the living room in a one bedroom apartment I share with my sister #tinyliving, my bed is a futon. Minus the current weather, I am loving it! I don’t know what I did without her for so long.

I laugh soooooooo much! Like belly laughs. All the time. Mostly, at her dog, but at life’s little lemons too. Heck, most of the time we just throw them on the counter and make lemonade, tarts, marmalade, and lemon bars with the scattered pieces. Easy peasy, mostly. She is my person. We finish each other sentences, we know what the looks mean, and we’re not scared to call out the bullshit. It may seem simple, but having someone beside you while you fight the daily battles, is such a blessing. I’ve spent the last two years alone, purposfully isolated to chat with my demons, choosing solitude over people, simplicity over things. It feels so nice to have a person to come home to and explain my day, complain about the stupid people, marvel at the smarts. Now we get to share the load of all the adulting responsibilities. She makes me coffee in the morning, and sets it beside me even before I’m fully awake, and I make sure there is food in the fridge for lunches. One day I do the laundry, the next, I come to home to a pile of clean shirts. I love being here with her.

#citylife. Everything moves so friggin fast here! Fun city life. With noises. All the time. I don’t think people here know what silence actually means. Quite possibly it means turning the sound down, but the base up at 1:30 am in an apartment. Boom boom boomboomboom boom. Awesome to fall asleep to. And sirens, and horns honking, people shouting, laughing, and the train rolling by. Doesn’t matter the hour. I really miss the ocean melody, and the silence of the stars. If I close my eyes tight enough, I can still imagine the sound.

But… so many more opportunities a city presents. People. And things, activities, comfort, and family.

Next week… training starts. #traingforlife. Running. Lots of running. And eating. The best part about being a runner is eating all the food! I have a kitchen only a couple of steps away, a small but workable budget, and a creative mind to make so many different things. What kind of food does a runner eat? Lots. Lots and lots. Carbs, protein, fruit, veggies, and maybe a little sugar when the craving hits.

(Check out my Instagram for some colorful meal prep stories!)

The goal is the Vancouver fall classic. Running a half marathon with my sister in August. (maybe I can sneak in a full marathon this summer before that??) Then a mini vaca. I’m going to be soo ready.

In this moment, my life totally rocks…. at least 90% of the time.

~Deej

Fun run

Social media today:

“Rainy day fun run! 1st clocked run in a month! Damn, it was nice to feel my legs again… pulled muscle and injured ankle healing nicely, though still gotta make it through the last stages of healing (which takes every ounce of patience I have! Ha! I wanna #runallthemiles)!

My sister, once again, inspired me. For running and for writing. She fires me up! It’s a cycle we have, and I love it. Years (and years!) ago, I dragged her out in the rain to run with me. Since that moment she was hooked. Throughout our lives, if I didn’t want to go, she would push me. If she didn’t want to go, I would push her. It doesn’t really matter if we live together, or if we are miles apart, lots of times it simply takes a FaceTime call to get the other back up and out the door.

For anyone who has a passion, could be anything – like surfing, or singing, or dancing, if you can’t do it for a month it kills you little on the inside. I have been CRAVING a run, but my ankle just wouldn’t permit it. It’s finally at a point where I can do little test runs. 2 miles here, 3 miles there, then bringing it back and slow down for 2 miles another time.

My mind, desperately wants the push of at least 15 miles. To fill the empty and lost spaces with breath, instead of worry. To focus on the feeling of the effect of the pavement travel from my toes to my head, and nothing else. With every step, everything braces for impact.

BUT (input extreme sad face here), I can’t. Le sigh.

I was almost at a point of giving up and just not run anymore, like ever. I stopped working out, forgot to eat the proper things, and felt like I was starting to lose my footing and slide down that slippery self hate slope.

But then a few things happened. My sister sent me a brand new (used) pair of actual running shoes, (I was running with shitty $15 Walmart sneakers.. probably the case for the ankle injury), she wrote a note saying she didn’t want to whoop my ass when we run a marathon together, so I better get my butt back at it, and someone here offered me a mountain bike to borrow for an afternoon.

Now I’m FIRED UP!

I realized that injuries are often included when you push your body, finding its limits. That rest and healing are a huge part of the process. I’m willing to sacrifice some running time to heal, but it doesn’t mean stop and feel sorry for myself. It’s means maybe change it up a bit. Use a bike, do yoga, or even strength training. Build all the muscles, so next time I can really run, I’ll do it with a healed body. I’ll do it with a strong, healed, fighting machine body. Strong, from the inside out.

– Deej

distance runner

i have been called too sensitive, too intense, too emotional… too much. “more then i can handle”. i usually don’t fit in wherever i am. i am awkward in groups and never know what to say. even though in my mind the words are perfect, when they come out of my mouth, they come out weird and disoriented.

for all of this, i’ve laid in my bed for hours crying in despair, wondering why. feeling doubt, lack of confidence and defeat. always wanting to be a different person, craving to be someone else. desperately needing to fit in, and be liked. i spend hours alone, wondering why no one wants to hang out with me, feeling lonely and out of place. in front of people, i shield my eyes, and shrink away to blend in with the background, trying to remain invisible.

but then, when the tears dry, and reality kicks in, i realize.

i don’t want to be anyone else, because i can’t seem to find anyone else like me. i am unique – i have a huge heart, and i wear it on my sleeve, i’m not afraid to love, or show the emotion i’m in. i’m confident, i’m strong, i have integrity, and i try my hardest everyday to be fearlessly authentic.

maybe, just maybe, i tend to stand out in a crowd of people. maybe this time i’ll stand up instead of shrinking away, i’ll look you all in the eyes, and love you no matter what.

i’ll let go of all expectation, and simply enjoy the moment.

the last five years has been nothing short of a casual stroll through what i can only assume is hell, spending most of the time curled up feeling sorry for myself, feeling like a piece of shit. but i found myself an opportunity. strength. instead of always running away, i found myself simply running, and it, has set me free. i might as well be flying, because when i run, i can’t feel my feet on the ground. for every mile, my soul sings and my heart is in the clouds. i can’t contain the smile, and suddenly, i really like who i am.

so call me too sensitive, too intense, too emotional, and too much. i’ll be too busy loving myself, racing to the top for that killer view. i’ll hug you, and love you, but i’ll leave you behind if you can’t keep up.

-Deej