Every morning when I open my eyes, and for every minute I get to spend on the beach next to the ocean, I feel like time is such a blessing.
There’s a void in the sky tonight, as I sit and watch the night, the clouds loom over the ocean, casting darkness. Yet right above me, there are stars. Stars, dotting the dark sky with their luminescent light.
My mind feels numb as I desperately try to come down from my 12 hour work hour day. Six hours of supervising/housekeeping, five hours of folding towels, and one short hour of drinking coffee, smoking and eating. Time.
Silently, I calculate the hours worked, and the money saved. Time.
It’s been eighteen months since I ran away from my abusive ex. Fourteen months, since I’ve physically seen him. It’s been ten months, since I’ve been back from Hawaii, and eight months, since I first arrived in Tofino. Time. Fucking time.
Today is a day among many, where the internal war continues on. Fighting the last of the demons from the past, heavy emotions, and cold hard facts. Like a ghost, some of it still lingers. Time, it’s simply time my friend, I’ve heard it plenty, time will heal everything that ails you. Some days, tho, it’s just so hard to believe, the depth of these emotions still seem so unreachable. Outwardly, my body language is open, confident, happy. Inside, I’m still a little dying. I want to cry, but laugh in the same breath. I want to sleep, surf, and run all at once. You see, sometimes friend, time can be a curse.
But, onwards I face, not looking back, I take yet another step. A step to healing, forgiving, and self love. So keep throwing your punches, your misguided words, your disdain and mistrust. Confidently, I’ll keep standing.
A challenge I’ve accepted, and I encourage you to do the same… let’s take some time to be better people. Let’s smile more, and notice the bird song more. Let’s be more understanding, and definitely more forgiving. Let’s be soft, and humble, and open. We’ve all got burdens weighing us down and battles raging in our heads, so let’s give time, beautiful time to the people around us.
As I write this, I moved myself from the sandy beach floor to a chair in front of one of the gas fire pits in front of the resort…it’s 11:00 pm on the dot. Suddenly, a hear the sound of a switch, then, the fire snuffs out. The heat is replaced with a cool breeze, and darkness surrounds me. The ocean in the distance is louder, and the night is darker somehow. Fires, on a timer! It’s all about time… lol… perfect.
So here it is. Some days time goes fast, and others, well, time drags on like the day will never end. But the clock ticks consistently, day after day. I have vowed I will no longer spend my time pouting, being angry, hurt, or jealous. With that, I have one more thing to say.
Dave, once my friend, once my enemy, once my everything. I forgive you. I forgive you for all the shitty things you did to me. This is good-bye. Go run around the world. I’ll stay here and fight the last of the demons you left behind. By myself. Because then, I’ll be free.
And the time, the time, will be all mine.