Because if I’m using my energy to run, it doesn’t have the space it needs to shoot tears down my face.
Though every once in a while, my body betrays me, stops moving, and allows water to fall down my face like a damn waterfall. It’s even worse when I get out of this little episode and there is someone watching me, silently hoping that I am alright, but not bold enough to speak out loud.
It’s been a tough couple of days.
And when the going gets tough, I cry before I can kickass. Storm cloud above my head with never ending rain. Eyes so puffy I can barely see. Then feel guilty for crying because strong people don’t cry, and then more tears.
Yes, some days I’m just a goddamn mess. Just leave me here, melting in the puddle of my own tears.
Every turn seems to be a fail, but we need to fail in order to succeed, right? Still waiting for the success part…..
I’m sharing this with you because I’m pretty sure my brain lies to me. Strong people do cry. Everybody cries. Even the big burley men I find so attractive. And if they don’t cry, then something is clearly wrong with them, not me. For me it’s a way of release. It’s a way to make space to think, get rid of the dust and find my thoughts.
I uprooted my life again.
Something about finding where I belong in this world, cuz I feel out of place everywhere I am. I am living in the lower mainland now, close (ish) to Vancouver. (for safety reasons, of course I can’t tell you my exact location…). It’s busy. Full of people and potential.
Metro Vancouver.
Constant movement and noise. It’s exhilarating, and exhausting. Yet another reason why I run, to find the little spaces in this city that surrounds me with nature and flowing water. Sometimes it requires a long run, but yesterday, I found the river. A quiet slice of heaven where all you can hear are the birds chirping and the river flowing. A place where no one notices an extra few inches of water because now I’m crying out of relieve instead of pain.
I know I’ve been absent online for awhile.
First off, moving is consuming. Second, being in a new place means finding new things, and being someone completely different, really, the whole purpose for uprooting everything. I moved with mostly nothing. A bag of clothes, and a couple of boxes for my art stuff. My sister and I filled a van and the trunk of her car, and off we went. I am sleeping on the floor until I can find the money for a mattress. It’s great fun. I’ve been exploring my surroundings, and trying to get through all these emotions and fears to find a sustainable job and attempt to create actual roots here.
Rebuild. Rebrand.
Be so true to myself that there is no room for anything else. And yes, some days are spend curled up in the corner. Anxiety, angst, and turmoil too big to handle because I have no idea what I’m doing.
But that was yesterday.
Today, I’m ready to go kick some ass. (and no, I still have no idea what I’m doing, but feel strong enough to face it.)
There will be more art, more running, more reading and writing. More of being exactly who I am.
So be warned.
I’m hoping this page explodes with emotion, with creativity, and seamless interaction. I love who I am when I’m here. This is the hippy, gypsy, fluent part of me that makes my soul sing. Life goal: flee from society.
The Jittery Raven – will be spending more time here.
I am creating pieces for sale. I want to share these emotions, these whimsical pieces of my soul with the world. I’m not sure when they will be available, but I’ll keep you posted!!
In the meantime, thank you for being here. I really appreciate you.
If you’d like, reach out. Send me an email to connect, tell me how your day is going. And if all you can do is cry, well, that’s ok. Take the day. Cry. Eat ice cream, binge watch some questionable shows, curl up and melt in your tears. And go kick some ass tomorrow.
Virtual coffee cup clink – cheers!
Buckets of Coffee 